regret is a horrible thing

this is something that i wrote on September 11, 2006...  the memories of that day so long ago...  the regret, the anguish, the pain...  they flood my mind and bring tears to my eyes...  at a time when the world, my world, is crashing down around me...  and all i can do is gaze around at the broken pieces...  i return to these memories...  and i remember a man who would carry me to the kitchen table each morning for breakfast...  who would let me lie in front of him while he tapped my feet together and sang me a song... who would paint the house every summer and would give me a little spot so that i could "help"... a man who asked me to get married, to anyone at that moment, (lol) just so that he would be there to see it... eight years later and it seems like it's been so much longer...  eight years later and i still dream about you like it was yesterday...  

i was thinking about this on my way to work today...
it's been five years already...
but yet it seems like so much longer...
five years later...
and still so much regret...
so many "what if's" playing in my head...
what if i had just stayed...
would you have lived longer...
what if i had told you no, don't do it...
would you have listened...
what if i told you i didn't think that it was a good idea...
would you have agreed and said let's go home...
you wanted to know what i thought...
you wanted me to help you make a decision...
and selfishly i told you to do it...
i wanted you to say a bit longer...
i thought that if you did it i would have more time with you...
i should have been spending that time with you already...
i should have never left...

i still remember that morning...
mom called the night before to remind me not to forget...
i almost didn't get up that morning...
and when i did i just wanted to go back to sleep...
but something was willing me to get up and get going...
i remember driving to the hospital...
it was pitch black outside...
only 4:30 am and i was out...
i got there before you & auntie did...
you didn't even recognize who i was...
i had to keep telling you my name...
you were only suppose to be there for tests...
they finally took us upstairs to get ready...
we weren't the only ones there...
you were worried about the dye that they were going to put in your veins...
i tried to distract you with the television...
news about 9/11 was on...
you wanted to know what was going on...
i changed the channel to boxing...
you loved boxing...
you finally went in for the test...
when you came back it wasn't good news...
you needed a triple bypass...
they gave you a 50/50 chance...
you asked us what we thought...
i was selfish and i wanted you to {get better}...
i wanted you to live a little longer...
i wanted you there when i got married...
the girls still needed you...
who would play ball with them in the garage...
you asked me what i thought...
and i told you to do it...
i said it would be a good thing...
and you agreed...
i had to leave you...
i came back the morning of the surgery...
you were in high spirits...
flirting with the nurses...
laughing and joking...
i was suppose to have a chance to see you before you went under...
but i had to get to work...
and i never got that chance...
i was suppose to go back that night...
i was too tired after work...
and the next night i called and you were doing great...
and then i got the call...
your heart had stopped beating...
come quick...

five years later...
what if...
what if i hadn't convinced you to have it...
would you still be here...
what if i hadn't moved away...
i would have had that time to spend with you...

five years later...
and i miss you like it was just yesterday...