Saturday, May 23, 2009
i am... five years later
I THINK: i am a huge flirt... watch out..haha
I KNOW: that i can have it all if i really want it
I WANT: to be loved
I HAVE: not lived up to my potential...:P
I WISH: california was just a drive away
I HATE: *b*.... because he is a bad person... and that's all i'm going to say about that
I FEAR: failure....
I HEAR: him telling me that he's fallen in love with me
I WONDER: if *he* realizes what he has...
I REGRET: a lot of choices that i have made but life is all about choices
I LOVE: the sound of rain.... "i love your touch (dM)"
I ALWAYS: put everyone else first...
I AM NOT: beautiful
I DANCE: never because i'm not very good.... haha
I SING: even when i don't know all of the words
I CRY: because sometimes i just don't know what to do..
I DO NOT ALWAYS: show my true feelings.... "i only show them what i want them to see (jM)"
I FIGHT: for what i believe in.... when i know i'm right and *he's* wrong
I WRITE: from my heart... about the things that i can't bring myself to say out loud
I WIN: every time... okay most of the time
I LOSE: track of time... always
I CONFUSE: myself all the time
I LISTEN: intently... with my ears and eyes...
I CAN BE USUALLY FOUND: with my nose in a book
I NEED: a good massage every night
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: the things that i have accomplished so far
I SHOULD: believe in myself more
i wrote these things about five years ago and i look back on them now and wonder, "am i still the same person i was back then?"
i don't think i'm quite as big a bitch as i was then... at the time i was dealing with something so huge, so outrageous it makes what happened in april seem so small in comparison... i think i've outgrown the flirting... aahhh maybe not... but i do believe that i've grown from that person that i was five years ago... and i've learned a lot of lessons along the way...
I AM: a strong person... i have slayed the dragon on more than one occasion and i have come out the victor every time...
I THINK: i've got the hang of "it" finally...
I KNOW: that i do have the potential to be more, much more, and i just have to work at it...
I WANT: "to be loved..."
I HAVE: the best mom in the world.. she is incredible...
I WISH: there really were time machines so that snake-dragon and i could go back and share that first kiss again... lol
I HATE: nothing. at this moment i feel no hate for anything
I FEAR: failure.... i still do... but i know that without failure there are no lessons to be learned
I HEAR: the birds... the newspaper man... that weird little scary creature outside my window...
I WONDER: what the el's will be like in a few years...
I REGRET: nothing at this point...
I LOVE: the el's... snake-dragon... my family...
I ALWAYS: put everyone else first...
I AM NOT: beautiful
I DANCE: in the restaurants... in the car... sometimes just to embarrass "the bad el" haha
I SING: same as above only louder
I CRY: tears of joy for i know that good things are around the corner
I DO NOT ALWAYS: tell the people in my life how much i love them
I FIGHT: dirty... lol
I WRITE: "from my heart... about the things that i can't bring myself to say out loud"
I WIN: three-legged races against my four-legged friends...
I LOSE: "track of time... always" still do this too much... someone buy me a watch already...
I CONFUSE: "myself all the time" aii... this too...
I LISTEN: without speaking... because i care
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: "with my nose in a book" i'm nerdier than @jlake07aahh.. lol
I NEED: lots of hugs.. huge ones
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: the times that i get to spend with the el's.. snake-dragon... my family
I SHOULD: be myself more often.. i'm quite funny when i let myself be...
Friday, May 22, 2009
"If i can impress upon you only one idea..."
They are the adventurists, the explorers, and doers of this world. When they see a wrong or problem, they do something about it. When they see a vacant place in our knowledge, they work to fill that void.
Rather than leaning back and criticizing how things are, they work to make things the way they should be. They are the aggressive, the self-starters, the innovative and the imaginative of this world.
Every generation has the obligation to free men's minds for a look at new worlds...to look out from a higher plateau than the last generation.
Your vision is not limited by what your eyes can see, but by what your mind can imagine. Many things that you take for granted were considered unrealistic dreams by previous generations. If you accept these past accomplishments as commonplace then think of the new horizons that you can explore.
From your vantage point, your education and imagination will carry you to places which we won't believe possible.
Make your life count - and the world will be a better place because you tried."
Astronaut Ellison S. Onizuka
Konawaena High School Commencement Speech, 1980
This speech can be found at the Astronaut Ellison S. Onizuka Space Center which is located at the Keahole-Kona International Airport, in Kailua-Kona. It was such a sombering experience to hear about Astronaut Ellison S. Onizuka's life and accomplishments as told by the curator of the museum. A must see if you ever visit the Island of Hawaii.
http://www.hawaiimuseums.org/mc/ishawaii_astronaut.htm
Thursday, May 21, 2009
the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- your religion, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
oh.... you know..... circa 2004
I have never considered myself to be attractive... Not even cute... Not even close to decent looking.... My friends were always the pretty ones... The ones that did their hair and wore the make~up and the latest styles... I was always the one that would need to be made~up by them before we went out...
Someone said something funny to me the other day... We were talking about some issues that I had with an ex that would always put me down and tell me that no one else in the world would want me so I should be happy that he {chose} me... {whatever}... anyways... So we were talking about that and I was telling him that sometimes I still feel like that stupid, ugly girl that would never amount to much that my ex always told me I was...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
the KamaSutra, blowjobs and other topics
Monday, May 18, 2009
rolling over life's bunions
Saturday, May 16, 2009
i'm leaving on a jet plane
the minute we stepped through the doors my nose was greeted by the yummy smell of baked manapua... aii i ordered one right away... nom nom... while i was devouring my yummy manapua i failed to notice that my mom was ordering ten dozen manapua and rice cake... yikes... i asked her who was going to eat all of those goodies and she replied, "oh, my friends." aii.. how many friends did she have... i politely reminded my mom that she would have to carry all of her goodies onto the plane herself and she quitely relented and setteled for just a dozen of each... lol...
now that all of mom's goodies were purchased it was time to go home and help her pack... that was easier said than done... if you remember, earlier in the week i had gone out and developed a little over a thousand photos for my mom... i really wasn't kidding about that... and she really did organize all of those photos into photo albums... well my a thousand photos and seven albums later my mom was wondering how she was going to get all of her albums into her little carry-on luggage... lol... omgoshie...
so my mom's packing with the help of the el's and they convince her that she has two options: 1) leave all of the albums and come back for them when she's with my dad or 2) leave all of her clothing and take home all of the albums... guess which option she chose... lol...
so my mom's little carry-on luggage stuffed with photos ready to go... the goodies all tied together so that they wouldn't fall apart... it was time to head to the airport... we got there on-time with a half hour to spare... we shared hugs and i called my dad to let him know that we delivered "the package" at the airport and that she would be home soon enough...
well what should have been a short thirty minute flight turned into a three hour delay... omgoshie... i called my dad, my dad called me... we were both so worried about my poor mom all alone sitting in the terminal waiting for the plane to come... wanna know what my mom was doing while we were worring about her...
she was flipping through her photo albums... oblivious to events around her... lol...
Friday, May 15, 2009
wish i had a time machine
Thursday, May 14, 2009
the finale
"How do you say goodbye to someone who means the world to me?" he says in voiceover as the first limo arrives.
Host Chris goes to open the door and we see that the woman stepping out is Molly. Chris leads her to where Jason is waiting.
In voiceover, Molly says it's been a "fairy tale" so far and can't wait to hear that Jason loves her as much as she loves him. He takes her hands and she speaks first, thanking him for the time they've had and that she "wouldn't take back a minute of it." He tells her that she's "amazing in every way possible. Absolutely stunning and amazing. I don't know how I can ever let you go," he says emotionally.
"But I have to," She looks down, stunned, and says, "Wow." He says, "I wish I had some good reasons, other than I'm in love with someone else. I'm so sorry," he says, fighting tears."I don't understand," she says sadly. "I think you've made a mistake, a big one," and shakes her head in disbelief.
He holds her hand as he walks her back to the limo. "I just don't get it," she says, sobbing. "I truly, truly care about you. I think you're making a huge mistake and I think you're going to end up hurt again.""All I can say is I think you're wrong," he says. "I hope I am," she says, "because you deserve someone really great."
"Everything was real," he tells her, looking long and hard into her face before he puts her into the limo. "Always know that."
Dearest bgf,
i love you... you do you know you deserve someone great right?... i've told you a ton of times before... you deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them... love isn't something rushed... and if it isn't right then it might not ever be right...
and sometimes the right person walks in... changes everything that you thought love was suppose to be... they love you wholeheartedly, unconditionally and you are left to decide which love to choose...
love always,
lib
psst... i miss you lots too...
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
my best friend's wedding
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaVLbk_3UeU
i loved that movie... i mean what's not to like about it... julia roberts Dermot Mulroney, ahh love him... so the jist of the move is that Julie and Michael are best friends who made a promise to each other that if they didn't get married by time they turned twenty-eight they would marry each other... well it turns out that weeks before julie's birthday Michael tells her he's found "the one" and he's going to marry her... so of course julie realizes at that point that she's always loved Michael and she heads out to Chicago to try to stop the wedding... To her surprise she is asked to be the maid of honor by the bride... so of course julie finally tells Michael that she's madly in love with him, has been forever and Michael should marry her instead... the bride finds out and the chase begins... but in the end Michael marries Kimberly, the other girl...
my bgf is getting married this weekend...
i've been in a few weddings for my "girl" best friends... there's my best friend lynn... we have been friends since forever... she had her "i'm getting married so let's get crazy" party in Vegas which was a blast... and she had the most beautiful beachfront wedding i've ever been to... i mean we were literally walking down the aisle with sand between our toes... and when it was time for her to give her toast and to thank everyone for their help she said this to me, "i love you lib and you are beautiful." from the bottom of my heart i love lynn and that was the nicest thing for her to say to me especially on her most special day (in front of like a few hundred people)...
my bgf is getting married this weekend...
the bgf is a great guy... he's polite and caring... he's funny and sweet... we have had many "talks"... about life and other things... and each time i left feeling better about myself... he has always had that ability to see the other side of me... i will miss our talks the most... just hanging out in his office watching the surfers or the ships coming into port... brainstorming about "business ventures" that would take us closer to the thing that we loved the most...
my bgf is getting married this weekend...
i keep calling him "my" bgf... but after this weekend that will all change... you know i knew this day was coming.. i guess i was just willing it not to... and as i stare at the cursor, flashing at me waiting for me to type, the image that i see is of him sobbing about "how mean she is" and all of the mean things that she's done over the years... and i have to wonder why... of course why did she do those things but most of all why would he go through with marrying her if she did... doesn't he know that it doesn't have to be that way... that when you love someone they love you back wholeheartedly, unconditionally...
sometimes i think we get so caught up in the person we are with that we fail to see who they truly are... sometimes we wish that they would be different and maybe, just maybe we can be the ones who can change them... as hard as we try the person who we choose to be with will always be that way and has been from the beginning...
Jonathan: In case of life. I just had a really great time and for all we know I wouldn't be able to find you again.... Sara: Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. it's just not the right time now... ~Serendipity
Monday, May 11, 2009
regret is a horrible thing
i was thinking about this on my way to work today...
it's been five years already...
but yet it seems like so much longer...
five years later...
and still so much regret...
so many "what if's" playing in my head...
what if i had just stayed...
would you have lived longer...
what if i had told you no, don't do it...
would you have listened...
what if i told you i didn't think that it was a good idea...
would you have agreed and said let's go home...
you wanted to know what i thought...
you wanted me to help you make a decision...
and selfishly i told you to do it...
i wanted you to say a bit longer...
i thought that if you did it i would have more time with you...
i should have been spending that time with you already...
i should have never left...
i still remember that morning...
mom called the night before to remind me not to forget...
i almost didn't get up that morning...
and when i did i just wanted to go back to sleep...
but something was willing me to get up and get going...
i remember driving to the hospital...
it was pitch black outside...
only 4:30 am and i was out...
i got there before you & auntie did...
you didn't even recognize who i was...
i had to keep telling you my name...
you were only suppose to be there for tests...
they finally took us upstairs to get ready...
we weren't the only ones there...
you were worried about the dye that they were going to put in your veins...
i tried to distract you with the television...
news about 9/11 was on...
you wanted to know what was going on...
i changed the channel to boxing...
you loved boxing...
you finally went in for the test...
when you came back it wasn't good news...
you needed a triple bypass...
they gave you a 50/50 chance...
you asked us what we thought...
i was selfish and i wanted you to {get better}...
i wanted you to live a little longer...
i wanted you there when i got married...
the girls still needed you...
who would play ball with them in the garage...
you asked me what i thought...
and i told you to do it...
i said it would be a good thing...
and you agreed...
i had to leave you...
i came back the morning of the surgery...
you were in high spirits...
flirting with the nurses...
laughing and joking...
i was suppose to have a chance to see you before you went under...
but i had to get to work...
and i never got that chance...
i was suppose to go back that night...
i was too tired after work...
and the next night i called and you were doing great...
and then i got the call...
your heart had stopped beating...
come quick...
five years later...
what if...
what if i hadn't convinced you to have it...
would you still be here...
what if i hadn't moved away...
i would have had that time to spend with you...
five years later...
and i miss you like it was just yesterday...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
are you my mother?
Saturday, May 9, 2009
where have you been?
Friday, May 8, 2009
this is only a test...
testing.. one... two...
of the tension... of the disappointment... of the "hard stuff"...
the things that i can't bring myself to talk about to snake-dragon... or even the "bgf".. and i usually tell him everything...
so here goes nothing... a little peek into the madness which i call life...