it's just a little break

don't you hate it when people say that...

"i just need a little break that's all "

a little break? as in 15 minutes or like forever... please clarify... ahh well..

in this tumultuous world we call life, things like that happen... we break up and make up ... but i'm pretty sure it doesn't happen every few days... love you, hate you, can't stand to be without you... stay with me but no, wait, that's too close... this seemingly easy gesture turns out to be overbearing and loathsome... our human nature drives us to be loving, caring beings... but sometimes, it's kinda like watching Animal Planet...



Voiceover: "look at that folks. the monkeys seem to be caring for one another. loving each other. outstanding! notice how the bigger monkey is removing what appear to be ticks from the smaller monkey. amazing! that's how it should be in life folks. everyone loving and... wait! oh my gosh! now the little monkey is bitting the bigger monkey on his phalanges! cue the commercial!"



oh well... i guess it's not always hearts and flowers and love... but one can hope that somewhere out there love is searching... for me, for you or maybe for that little monkey so it can spank it on the butt...



as you were...

pick up the pace

the days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months..  and now before you know it it's October...  omgosh i need to pick up the pace..  i've been la-di-da-ing my way through this darkened forest while the whole world has been surging forward without me..

i need to focus..  i need to get it together and get going..  the world isn't going to sit around and wait for me..  so i guess i need to jump off of this tree stump and hit the ground running..  

right after i stop to smell these gorgeous gardenias...

silence

the house is silent once again... the parents are safely on their way back to their "home" and i am enjoying this quite time...

i am here once again... safely esconed in my forest... where the darkness is soothing and the silence is deafening... and i like it...

these quite moments where all you can hear are little creature sounds and the occasional birds... but most of the time the creatures are still... respecting my need for all to be silent... for the only sound that i want to hear silence...

i wish for more moments like this... where i can feel the cool breeze dance over my body but it makes no sound... it caresses my skin and leaves me wanting more...

congratulations... you're leaving?

so of course everyone is up and about... and it's ooh, 4:45a... hello?!... some of us need our beauty sleep... lol... but i know... today is a big day... the little el's big day... woohoo...

so everyone is getting ready and bumping each other in the hall... "who's in this bathroom?" "fine i'll use the other one"... "have you seen my brush"... "how about my clips"... aii.. utter madness... in a house where the women still outnumber the men... lol

finally, finally everyone is packed into the car and we're off... first we drop off the "little el" and the grandparents... as we pull up to the school everyone is walking around in their "best outfits"... some of them have been planning for months for the day and others are just glad that it's finally here... smiles everywhere... we barely stop the car and the little el is instantly greeted with a group of her closest friends... and as girls do they're all talking at once... "oh my gosh, i love your dress "little el""... "did you see her shoes? where did you get them little el"... "you have to come and see what corey did to his hair"...

i give the "little el" a hug and tell her we have to go and get her flowers... we head to the flower shop to pick up the leis and hairpiece which i had ordered a month ago... we arrive at the flower shop and it's just our luck that someone is leaving and we easily find parking right in front of the shop... great, i think, this is going to be easy...

i walk into the flower shop where i'm a pretty regular customer and i tell the guy that i'm there to pick up my order... well of course the shop is bursting with women all wanting to pick up some leis before they head out to their graduation ceremonies... meanwhile i notice my guy is looking a little flustered... he's going back and forth to the different refrigeration case moving boxes around all of which i can see... i will myself not to panic...

he comes back to me and asks what my order is again and at that point i know i'm in trouble... i tell him that i ordered three different leis and a hairpiece... he heads back into the case to look again... he comes back and says the thing i dreaded the most "i can't seem to find your order" and heads back to the case again... aii... snake-dragon rolls down the car window and asks what's wrong... i look at him and i just can't help it... i start to cry... oh i'm a pitiful sight... lol... tears streaming down my cheeks as the guy is forced to pull leis that have probably been hanging there since yesterday... he apologizes again and says that he's not going to charge me the full price because he knows that he saw my order earlier that morning...

at which i say nothing... i can't... my throat is tight and my hands are shaking as i hand him my money... he apologizes again and all hell breaks loose... i'm crying as i walk to the car with my wilting carnation leis and brown-tipped pikake comb... i have failed the "little el"... but snake-dragon reassures me that the hairpiece will be fine and he would help the "little el" with getting it in her hair...

snake-dragon tells me that the ceremony was great... the "little el" loved being able to wear flowers in her hair... and now it was on to the celebratory dinner... woohoo...

so with just two hours before the "little el's" flight we decided to make it a quick dinner so that we could get to the airport in time... when dinner was over we headed out to the airport once again...

when we got there we found her group easily as they were a sea of red tee shirts... who's great idea was that... lol... she found her friends and they immediately picked up their conversation from where they left off just a few hours ago... their chatter and whispers made me giggle... and finally it was time for them to go... but not without a few last minutes instructions from grandma, which she politely yelled at the "litle el's" retreating back... "don't forget to drink lots of water "little el"... "and be sure to use the bathroom before you leave the hotel"...

aii... grandmothers...

mayhem i tell you

just when i thought i could let my hair down and put my feet up... madness... aiii... now it's the "little el's" turn at dash and pack... why did i think that sending them on trips leaving within days of each other would be a good idea...


luckily for me the "little el" is always prepared... she had actually been pack for a couple of weeks... what a lifesaver... phew... but there was the issue of tomorrow... graduation... aii...


we did a final "fitting" of her dress at which she whispered, "i feel pretty."... lol.. of course you are "little el"... and final shoe fitting complete with the "little el" walking cautiously throughout the house from the kitchen all the way back to her bedroom... lol...

oh tomorrow will be fun for sure!

what day is it?!?

what??! wednesday!?! it can't be... too much to do... still so much to prepare... when is the madness going to end... aii

just when i thought i could relax and let my hair down... we actually have to pick up the pace and go-go-go... aii

planes, trains and euros...

Oh, the Places You'll Go!
Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there. "With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too. ~ Dr. Seuss

so the "bad el" is off on her two week adventure... this is the first time that she will be going on a trip... let alone without either of us there to "protect" her and i think snake-dragon is a bit concerned... but we're sending her without a cellphone because we don't want her calling her friends here... running up the international charges... but more importantly, we wanted her to enjoy herself over there and not worry about having to check in with us every day...

what a great experience she'll have... and not once in a lifetime... because i know that she'll find her way back there again...

freedom here i come

we had been planning this trip for two years... and now the day had finally arrived... it was weird because up until this point we didn't think she was excited at all about this trip... in fact i don't think she even opened any of the books relating to the places they were going... guess she's going to wing it, we thought...

the "bad el's" luggage had already been packed weeks in advance but she decided, six hours before she left, that maybe she should check again to see if she had everything... aii... disaster... she questioned whether she really needed three pairs of jeans... "would it really be that hot?" she asked out loud... "do i need more tops?" she wondered... back to her room where she checked the weather one more time to make sure that she was prepared for the next two weeks...

"how about a brush?" my mom asked.. "check" she replied... "and your contacts?" questioned my mom... "i have a pair on" she continued... "but what if you lost it" panicked my mom... "geez mama, just say "bad el, put an extra pair of contacts in your luggage"... it went on like that for the rest of the night... i chose to tune it out and go to bed...

in the morning, luggage situated and stuffed we were ready... off to the airport... and onward to adventures... and hopefully she comes back with lots of great pictures and fantastic stories...

i am... five years later

I AM: a b*tch... but only when i need to be
I THINK: i am a huge flirt... watch out..haha
I KNOW: that i can have it all if i really want it
I WANT: to be loved
I HAVE: not lived up to my potential...:P
I WISH: california was just a drive away
I HATE: *b*.... because he is a bad person... and that's all i'm going to say about that
I FEAR: failure....
I HEAR: him telling me that he's fallen in love with me
I WONDER: if *he* realizes what he has...
I REGRET: a lot of choices that i have made but life is all about choices
I LOVE: the sound of rain.... "i love your touch (dM)"
I ALWAYS: put everyone else first...
I AM NOT: beautiful
I DANCE: never because i'm not very good.... haha
I SING: even when i don't know all of the words
I CRY: because sometimes i just don't know what to do..
I DO NOT ALWAYS: show my true feelings.... "i only show them what i want them to see (jM)"
I FIGHT: for what i believe in.... when i know i'm right and *he's* wrong
I WRITE: from my heart... about the things that i can't bring myself to say out loud
I WIN: every time... okay most of the time
I LOSE: track of time... always
I CONFUSE: myself all the time
I LISTEN: intently... with my ears and eyes...
I CAN BE USUALLY FOUND: with my nose in a book
I NEED: a good massage every night
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: the things that i have accomplished so far
I SHOULD: believe in myself more



i wrote these things about five years ago and i look back on them now and wonder, "am i still the same person i was back then?"
i don't think i'm quite as big a bitch as i was then... at the time i was dealing with something so huge, so outrageous it makes what happened in april seem so small in comparison... i think i've outgrown the flirting... aahhh maybe not... but i do believe that i've grown from that person that i was five years ago... and i've learned a lot of lessons along the way...

I AM: a strong person... i have slayed the dragon on more than one occasion and i have come out the victor every time...
I THINK: i've got the hang of "it" finally...
I KNOW: that i do have the potential to be more, much more, and i just have to work at it...
I WANT: "to be loved..."
I HAVE: the best mom in the world.. she is incredible...
I WISH: there really were time machines so that snake-dragon and i could go back and share that first kiss again... lol
I HATE: nothing. at this moment i feel no hate for anything
I FEAR: failure.... i still do... but i know that without failure there are no lessons to be learned
I HEAR: the birds... the newspaper man... that weird little scary creature outside my window...
I WONDER: what the el's will be like in a few years...
I REGRET: nothing at this point...
I LOVE: the el's... snake-dragon... my family...
I ALWAYS: put everyone else first...
I AM NOT: beautiful
I DANCE: in the restaurants... in the car... sometimes just to embarrass "the bad el" haha
I SING: same as above only louder
I CRY: tears of joy for i know that good things are around the corner
I DO NOT ALWAYS: tell the people in my life how much i love them
I FIGHT: dirty... lol
I WRITE: "from my heart... about the things that i can't bring myself to say out loud"
I WIN: three-legged races against my four-legged friends...
I LOSE: "track of time... always" still do this too much... someone buy me a watch already...
I CONFUSE: "myself all the time" aii... this too...
I LISTEN: without speaking... because i care
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: "with my nose in a book" i'm nerdier than @jlake07aahh.. lol
I NEED: lots of hugs.. huge ones
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: the times that i get to spend with the el's.. snake-dragon... my family
I SHOULD: be myself more often.. i'm quite funny when i let myself be...

"If i can impress upon you only one idea..."

"If i can impress upon you only one idea... let it be that the people who make this world run, whose lives can be termed successful, whose names will go down in the history books, are not the cynics, the critics, or the armchair quarterbacks.

They are the adventurists, the explorers, and doers of this world. When they see a wrong or problem, they do something about it. When they see a vacant place in our knowledge, they work to fill that void.

Rather than leaning back and criticizing how things are, they work to make things the way they should be. They are the aggressive, the self-starters, the innovative and the imaginative of this world.

Every generation has the obligation to free men's minds for a look at new worlds...to look out from a higher plateau than the last generation.

Your vision is not limited by what your eyes can see, but by what your mind can imagine. Many things that you take for granted were considered unrealistic dreams by previous generations. If you accept these past accomplishments as commonplace then think of the new horizons that you can explore.

From your vantage point, your education and imagination will carry you to places which we won't believe possible.

Make your life count - and the world will be a better place because you tried."

Astronaut Ellison S. Onizuka
Konawaena High School Commencement Speech, 1980

This speech can be found at the Astronaut Ellison S. Onizuka Space Center which is located at the Keahole-Kona International Airport, in Kailua-Kona. It was such a sombering experience to hear about Astronaut Ellison S. Onizuka's life and accomplishments as told by the curator of the museum. A must see if you ever visit the Island of Hawaii.


http://www.hawaiimuseums.org/mc/ishawaii_astronaut.htm

the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- your religion, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

oh.... you know..... circa 2004

i haven't posted a {real} blog for a long time so here goes... I think I have made up my mind {for the 10th time...*giggle*} No, Yes, Yes, No.... I was going around in circles trying to figure out what to do.... So silly....

I have never considered myself to be attractive... Not even cute... Not even close to decent looking.... My friends were always the pretty ones... The ones that did their hair and wore the make~up and the latest styles... I was always the one that would need to be made~up by them before we went out...

Someone said something funny to me the other day... We were talking about some issues that I had with an ex that would always put me down and tell me that no one else in the world would want me so I should be happy that he {chose} me... {whatever}... anyways... So we were talking about that and I was telling him that sometimes I still feel like that stupid, ugly girl that would never amount to much that my ex always told me I was...

He said {oh..are you still hung up on that... I thought I helped you get over it years ago}... He went on to say that in the last 5 years I have been a totally different person from the person that I was with the ex.... This person tells me that: I'm more confident {or at least I appear to be}... I'm more outgoing {did he mean to say that I flirt too much}....

Let me tell you, I have no confidence nor am I outgoing.... Luckily he didn't say that I was pretty... I would've had to jump out of the car and throw myself into oncoming traffic... *lol*

it's funny... i was cleaning out my desk and i came across a bunch of disks... i know right, who still has disks laying around... so i popped one into my computer and lo and behold i found the preceding "post"...

at that time i had been keeping a daily journal of sorts... jotting down my daily movements... and thoughts it seems... lol..

it's funny... this person that i used to be...

the KamaSutra, blowjobs and other topics

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rolling over life's bunions

omgoshie...  today started off like a typical monday morning...  which usually means everyone overslept...  after calling the girls on their cell phones to wake them up i rolled out of bed myself...  

we all managed to get through our mundane daily tasks without incident...  and surprisingly we were able to leave the house on time...  we made the drive down the hill and we got as far as our first off ramp when i saw that there was an unusual back up on the freeway...  great and we were going to jump into that mess in a minute...  

we dropped the "bad el" at her parochial school and drove right into the crush of traffic...  we barely made it to wood-pig's school before her bell rang to signal the start of the day...  omgosh i can't wait for her to join her sister at their parochial school...  life will be so much better in the fall...

so snake-dragon and i are in the car together listening to our favorite radio personalities...  the topic of the day is boring so we turn to each other for amusement...  make me laugh i tell snake dragon... and this is what he comes up with...

snake-dragon was on his feet for about twelve hours yesterday so he was pretty beat...  but his feet took the brunt of his punishment...  it was so bad that snake-dragon has a HUGE blister on the side of his big toe...  omgoshie it's so grody...

so snake-dragon is telling me how sensitive his blister is and about how he's been trying really hard not to bump it...  he goes on to say that it's like trying to walk around a puddle of water...  you don't want to step in the puddle so you walk around it...  yeah, that's what he was trying to do with his blister...  just the way that snake-dragon said that every time he felt that he was going to bump it he would roll his foot in the opposite direction...  omgoshie you had to be there...  i was laughing so hysterically...  

thanks snake-dragon...

i'm leaving on a jet plane

it wasn't quite as simple as that but then again i'm getting ahead of myself... my mom's week long say was coming to an end... but not without incident...

saturday started out simple enough... we woke up early because mom wanted to go to the KCC Farmer's Market... so i dragged the girls out of bed and we headed over the hill... our timing was perfect as we found a parking space right in front of the cactus garden... score...

we started off at my favorite booth, Nalo Farms... great produce, always fresh... next we stopped at the Kukui Sausage booth... pineapple sausage on a bun... yummers... we walked around and found sunny sunflowers and interesting taro delight and yummy paniolo popcorn... we got our produce and headed home to drop off our purchases...

next stop, ala moana center... the hustle and bustle of people moving around us... the yummy smells wafting into our noses from the various food vendors... the excited chatter of a group of teen girls... everyone seemed to be in high spirits...

we made our rounds to our favorite stores... macy's, the apple store, town & country... we finally wound down at barnes and noble... our most favorite store... i could live in a bookstore...

after we got the final shopping trip out of our systems it was time to pick up the real goodies... Baked manapua, sticky rice cake and malasadas... yummers... we headed to Island Manapua Factory in the Manoa Marketplace...

the minute we stepped through the doors my nose was greeted by the yummy smell of baked manapua... aii i ordered one right away... nom nom... while i was devouring my yummy manapua i failed to notice that my mom was ordering ten dozen manapua and rice cake... yikes... i asked her who was going to eat all of those goodies and she replied, "oh, my friends." aii.. how many friends did she have... i politely reminded my mom that she would have to carry all of her goodies onto the plane herself and she quitely relented and setteled for just a dozen of each... lol...

now that all of mom's goodies were purchased it was time to go home and help her pack... that was easier said than done... if you remember, earlier in the week i had gone out and developed a little over a thousand photos for my mom... i really wasn't kidding about that... and she really did organize all of those photos into photo albums... well my a thousand photos and seven albums later my mom was wondering how she was going to get all of her albums into her little carry-on luggage... lol... omgoshie...

so my mom's packing with the help of the el's and they convince her that she has two options: 1) leave all of the albums and come back for them when she's with my dad or 2) leave all of her clothing and take home all of the albums... guess which option she chose... lol...

so my mom's little carry-on luggage stuffed with photos ready to go... the goodies all tied together so that they wouldn't fall apart... it was time to head to the airport... we got there on-time with a half hour to spare... we shared hugs and i called my dad to let him know that we delivered "the package" at the airport and that she would be home soon enough...

well what should have been a short thirty minute flight turned into a three hour delay... omgoshie... i called my dad, my dad called me... we were both so worried about my poor mom all alone sitting in the terminal waiting for the plane to come... wanna know what my mom was doing while we were worring about her...

she was flipping through her photo albums... oblivious to events around her... lol...

wish i had a time machine

i knew this was bound to happen...  lol... so i missed a couple of days did y'all notice...  so for the sake of consistency i am reeling my post back to Friday... here we go...

so snake-dragon and i took the day off to spend some time with my mom...  snake-dragon has actually had more time with my mom on this visit than i have...  so after dropping the "els" off at their respective schools it was finally time to have fun...

we went to our usual breakfast spot, BCD Kaimuki, where the service is OUTSTANDING and the food is awesome...  i, of course, ordered my usual kimchee fried rice with a side of extremely crispy bacon, snake-dragon opted for the humongous three egg omelette and mom with the healthy choice of an egg white omelette with tofu or something like that... that plug in i can move on...

we were talking about "el mami's" options now that retirement is just a month away...  she tells us she wants to travel more...  and she wants to do more gardening...  snake-dragon and i laugh as she says that because my mom has the most hodgepodge garden known to man...  

we talked about the jeeps that mom got to test drive the day before...  omgoshie...  i don't think i've ever seen my mom so excited...  she and snake-dragon took turns talking about the different colors they came in... and the different features... and whether or not she should get the hard top or the soft top...  sheesh...  

with breakfast out of the way we headed over to the next stop...  while in the car we were talking about things we wish we could do over...  mom speaks up and says, "ooh..  i wish i would have studied harder in school and not just done the bare minimum to pass."  snake-dragon chimes in with, "i would have ask out more girls, two girls in particular actually." omgoshie...  wth yo??!... lol...  typical snake-dragon comment...  

oh the things we would do over if we had a time machine...  but keep it away from snake-dragon..  heaven forbid he goes back and makes good on his wish... lol...

the finale

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdysH8UYUOg

"How do you say goodbye to someone who means the world to me?" he says in voiceover as the first limo arrives.

Host Chris goes to open the door and we see that the woman stepping out is Molly. Chris leads her to where Jason is waiting.

In voiceover, Molly says it's been a "fairy tale" so far and can't wait to hear that Jason loves her as much as she loves him. He takes her hands and she speaks first, thanking him for the time they've had and that she "wouldn't take back a minute of it." He tells her that she's "amazing in every way possible. Absolutely stunning and amazing. I don't know how I can ever let you go," he says emotionally.

"But I have to," She looks down, stunned, and says, "Wow." He says, "I wish I had some good reasons, other than I'm in love with someone else. I'm so sorry," he says, fighting tears."I don't understand," she says sadly. "I think you've made a mistake, a big one," and shakes her head in disbelief.

He holds her hand as he walks her back to the limo. "I just don't get it," she says, sobbing. "I truly, truly care about you. I think you're making a huge mistake and I think you're going to end up hurt again.""All I can say is I think you're wrong," he says. "I hope I am," she says, "because you deserve someone really great."

"Everything was real," he tells her, looking long and hard into her face before he puts her into the limo. "Always know that."


Dearest bgf,

i love you... you do you know you deserve someone great right?... i've told you a ton of times before... you deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them... love isn't something rushed... and if it isn't right then it might not ever be right...

and sometimes the right person walks in... changes everything that you thought love was suppose to be... they love you wholeheartedly, unconditionally and you are left to decide which love to choose...

love always,
lib

psst... i miss you lots too...

my best friend's wedding

I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that some psychopath was trying to break the two of you up. Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be. For my best friend has won the best woman. I didn't buy you a gift. But this is on loan until you two find your song... ~My Best Friend's Wedding

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaVLbk_3UeU
i loved that movie... i mean what's not to like about it... julia roberts Dermot Mulroney, ahh love him... so the jist of the move is that Julie and Michael are best friends who made a promise to each other that if they didn't get married by time they turned twenty-eight they would marry each other... well it turns out that weeks before julie's birthday Michael tells her he's found "the one" and he's going to marry her... so of course julie realizes at that point that she's always loved Michael and she heads out to Chicago to try to stop the wedding... To her surprise she is asked to be the maid of honor by the bride... so of course julie finally tells Michael that she's madly in love with him, has been forever and Michael should marry her instead... the bride finds out and the chase begins... but in the end Michael marries Kimberly, the other girl...

my bgf is getting married this weekend...

i've been in a few weddings for my "girl" best friends... there's my best friend lynn... we have been friends since forever... she had her "i'm getting married so let's get crazy" party in Vegas which was a blast... and she had the most beautiful beachfront wedding i've ever been to... i mean we were literally walking down the aisle with sand between our toes... and when it was time for her to give her toast and to thank everyone for their help she said this to me, "i love you lib and you are beautiful." from the bottom of my heart i love lynn and that was the nicest thing for her to say to me especially on her most special day (in front of like a few hundred people)...

my bgf is getting married this weekend...

the bgf is a great guy... he's polite and caring... he's funny and sweet... we have had many "talks"... about life and other things... and each time i left feeling better about myself... he has always had that ability to see the other side of me... i will miss our talks the most... just hanging out in his office watching the surfers or the ships coming into port... brainstorming about "business ventures" that would take us closer to the thing that we loved the most...

my bgf is getting married this weekend...

i keep calling him "my" bgf... but after this weekend that will all change... you know i knew this day was coming.. i guess i was just willing it not to... and as i stare at the cursor, flashing at me waiting for me to type, the image that i see is of him sobbing about "how mean she is" and all of the mean things that she's done over the years... and i have to wonder why... of course why did she do those things but most of all why would he go through with marrying her if she did... doesn't he know that it doesn't have to be that way... that when you love someone they love you back wholeheartedly, unconditionally...

sometimes i think we get so caught up in the person we are with that we fail to see who they truly are... sometimes we wish that they would be different and maybe, just maybe we can be the ones who can change them... as hard as we try the person who we choose to be with will always be that way and has been from the beginning...

Jonathan: In case of life. I just had a really great time and for all we know I wouldn't be able to find you again.... Sara: Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. it's just not the right time now... ~Serendipity

regret is a horrible thing

this is something that i wrote on September 11, 2006...  the memories of that day so long ago...  the regret, the anguish, the pain...  they flood my mind and bring tears to my eyes...  at a time when the world, my world, is crashing down around me...  and all i can do is gaze around at the broken pieces...  i return to these memories...  and i remember a man who would carry me to the kitchen table each morning for breakfast...  who would let me lie in front of him while he tapped my feet together and sang me a song... who would paint the house every summer and would give me a little spot so that i could "help"... a man who asked me to get married, to anyone at that moment, (lol) just so that he would be there to see it... eight years later and it seems like it's been so much longer...  eight years later and i still dream about you like it was yesterday...  

i was thinking about this on my way to work today...
it's been five years already...
but yet it seems like so much longer...
five years later...
and still so much regret...
so many "what if's" playing in my head...
what if i had just stayed...
would you have lived longer...
what if i had told you no, don't do it...
would you have listened...
what if i told you i didn't think that it was a good idea...
would you have agreed and said let's go home...
you wanted to know what i thought...
you wanted me to help you make a decision...
and selfishly i told you to do it...
i wanted you to say a bit longer...
i thought that if you did it i would have more time with you...
i should have been spending that time with you already...
i should have never left...

i still remember that morning...
mom called the night before to remind me not to forget...
i almost didn't get up that morning...
and when i did i just wanted to go back to sleep...
but something was willing me to get up and get going...
i remember driving to the hospital...
it was pitch black outside...
only 4:30 am and i was out...
i got there before you & auntie did...
you didn't even recognize who i was...
i had to keep telling you my name...
you were only suppose to be there for tests...
they finally took us upstairs to get ready...
we weren't the only ones there...
you were worried about the dye that they were going to put in your veins...
i tried to distract you with the television...
news about 9/11 was on...
you wanted to know what was going on...
i changed the channel to boxing...
you loved boxing...
you finally went in for the test...
when you came back it wasn't good news...
you needed a triple bypass...
they gave you a 50/50 chance...
you asked us what we thought...
i was selfish and i wanted you to {get better}...
i wanted you to live a little longer...
i wanted you there when i got married...
the girls still needed you...
who would play ball with them in the garage...
you asked me what i thought...
and i told you to do it...
i said it would be a good thing...
and you agreed...
i had to leave you...
i came back the morning of the surgery...
you were in high spirits...
flirting with the nurses...
laughing and joking...
i was suppose to have a chance to see you before you went under...
but i had to get to work...
and i never got that chance...
i was suppose to go back that night...
i was too tired after work...
and the next night i called and you were doing great...
and then i got the call...
your heart had stopped beating...
come quick...

five years later...
what if...
what if i hadn't convinced you to have it...
would you still be here...
what if i hadn't moved away...
i would have had that time to spend with you...

five years later...
and i miss you like it was just yesterday...

are you my mother?

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/30/the-marian-robinson-effect/

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/07/a-mother-who-misses-her-mom/

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/06/questions-we-should-all-ask-mom/

these are just a couple of articles that i felt were appropriate for this very special day...  enjoy

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happy mother's day to my ever-supporting-never-giving-up-on-you mom...  my mom is a great person... and i strive every day to be more like her...

my older sister and i were born six years apart and amazingly on the same day..  go figure my mom would plan that sort of thing..  my sister spent the better part of her high school years on Oahu going to private school and because of this i always felt like an only child...  having no one else to "hang out" with i hung out with my mom...  

i remember spending many Saturdays lying  under a desk in an office where my mom worked reading books or playing games...  it didn't occurred to me at the time that the reason why my mom worked two, and at one time three, jobs was to earn the extra money it took to provide for us girls...  all i knew at the time was i wanted to be out with my friends but instead i had to be there all day...  

when i was in jr. high i never understood why my best friend, who had five people in her household, always had the best looking folders or the newest pair of "Bongo" jeans or more outfits than i did...  we lived in the same neighborhood, went to the same school and her mom didn't even work at the time...  i just didn't get it...  

but then again i remember our first trip to California to visit colleges for my sister...  we spent a week and a half traveling from san francisco to  san diego...  the minute we landed in san francisco i knew our trip was going to be fun fun fun...  while my dad was trying to arrange a taxi to take us to our hotel my mom was talking to a limo driver who ended up driving us...  we went on endless shopping trips...  and spent two whole days at Disneyland...  we had the time of our lives...  

and as i look back upon that trip i realize that my mom let us buy whatever we wanted...  i mean like outfits and princess hats and silly things...  and not once did she blink an eyelash at the price...  but then again i realize that she really didn't buy anything for herself...  

i realize now that she's always been that way...  she has always put our wants and needs before her own...  my mom is an extremely selfless person...  underneath her quite persona is a woman who put her family first in all that she did... and for this i am truly grateful...

as she sits here at my kitchen table, pouring over some thousand and one photos which i've developed for her i wonder what she's thinking as she places each photo lovingly into her album...  is she remembering that moment, frozen in time by a single click of a button...  every so often she asks me to go over to look at a photo but otherwise she sits and smiles silently to herself...

i wonder...  did i turn out to be the daughter that she hoped that i would be...  i have a lot of years ahead of me but i wonder, have i done a good job so far...

let's see at five years i think i was an okay kid...  i did as i was told..  i was respectful and kind... and i think i was helpful too... at ten i think i was an even better kid... i went where she went...  i wanted to be just like her when i grew up...  and i distinctly remember telling her so on more than one occasion... at fifteen i think i dealt my first disappointing blow...  but she pushed forward and helped me through it...  at eighteen she was ready for me this time...  and with a steady hand and a loving heart she lead me through the obstacle once again...  when i finally made it to twenty it was my mom who cheered me on...  today i realize that with all of my mistakes came lessons learned...  

so on this day that we celebrate the women in our lives who help us achieve our dreams i would like to thank my mom...  for always putting my needs before her own...  for always loving me...  for never giving up on me...  for always believing that i would be great and that i would go on to do great things...  thanks mom... 

love always, lib

where have you been?

what a funny question... only because i haven't been anywhere... but i know what he meant... he was wondering why i had "disappeared" from @Twitter for such a long time... @Twitter says my last post was 26 days ago... lol.. that makes me giggle...  given the fact that i normally @Twitter all day long..

where have i been?

so i answered my dear friend with a note of thanks...  "thank you for caring" friend...  i have been "here" but in the shadows...  silently stalking all of you but unable to bring myself to actually twitter a hello...  but missing the daily conversations...  

where have i been?

i'm not sure...  i feel like i've been through hell...  sometimes i feel like giving up...  other times i feel like i can do it...  i tell myself "i've been through worse" and yet this feels like it could be the breaking point for me...  i have been so up and down these past few weeks that i just don't know anymore...

where have i been?

i have been nowhere... i have been everywhere...  i have been lost in a forest of despair...  and unlike snake-dragon i have not yet found the light that leads out to the meadow...  instead i have chosen to sit on this tree stump and refuse to come out of the forest...  i like it in here... the darkness is soothing and forgiving...  no one can see me here and the silence is deafening... and i like it...  the "bgf" always wondered what my fascination with being in the dark was...  this is the reason...

where have i been?

nowhere really...  during the day you've seen my shell... trying its hardest to mimic my every move, every little quirk...  and it's been doing a great job...  but at five p.m. i return to this forest where i don't have to be anything...  i can just sit...  and be... in the darkness... in the silence... just be...

this is only a test...

i have been walking around in a daze for the past three weeks now... i have just been going through the motions and have not really been there... three weeks ago... if you had told me that my life would be tested... i would have laughed and thought you were crazy... but instead it is i who has gone mad...

it all started with a little white lie... an exaggeration... a little fabrication... my oldest "el" decided that we were "too strict," too overprotective... and she wanted to do whatever she wanted even if it meant she would have to lie to get it... and she got it alright... three weeks without mom or dad... three weeks without anyone to tell what to do... three weeks to do whatever she wanted... no one was going to be the boss of her...

three weeks...

in those same three weeks, i cried... i cried a lot... cried because i didn't know if she was safe... i couldn't eat because i wasn't sure if she had anything to eat that day... i couldn't sleep because i wasn't sure if she was cold... i racked my brain to try to remember if she had a jacket with her that morning that i saw her last... snake-dragon... he cried too.. and i've only ever seen him cry once before and that was when his grandpa passed away...

three weeks...

in the beginning i was hurt... the first couple of days i just couldn't imagine that we were that bad... i kept thinking "she goes to a private school, plays on the golf team, is going to EUROPE this summer"... how could it possibly be THAT bad?? we were beside ourselves trying to rationalize the situation... did we not give her enough? were we really at fault, too overprotective maybe? no, i don't think so... snake-dragon and i made a lot of mistakes when we were her age and we are always trying to steer her down the right path...

three weeks...

since the moment she was born i don't think i've ever been separated from the "el" for longer than seven hours... three weeks... i just checked... five hundred four hours... that's how long three weeks is... five hundred four hours... it felt like a lifetime... in those three weeks snake-dragon and i had a lot of serious conversations... i don't think we've ever talked that much in the last fifteen years... a lot of apologizing... a lot of agonizing... a lot of hurt, pouring out of a faucet that you just couldn't turn off...

three weeks later...

i realize that i am being tested... that "this is only a test"... that this is far from over... her return only signifies the battle ahead... and although the road is long and is sure to have a lot of bumps we'll have to work through them... i've thought about throwing up my hands and saying "i give up" but what does that teach the "el?" that it's okay to give up when it gets hard? no, that is not what i want her to learn.. i want her to know that life is hard.. sometimes in life you make the wrong choices and you don't get a do-over... you don't get to go back and erase your mistakes... you have to learn from them and move on... and be strong enough to know better the next time..

testing.. one... two...

so i've decided to start a blog... as a way to get everything off my chest... as a release...
of the tension... of the disappointment... of the "hard stuff"...
the things that i can't bring myself to talk about to snake-dragon... or even the "bgf".. and i usually tell him everything...
so here goes nothing... a little peek into the madness which i call life...