this is only a test...

i have been walking around in a daze for the past three weeks now... i have just been going through the motions and have not really been there... three weeks ago... if you had told me that my life would be tested... i would have laughed and thought you were crazy... but instead it is i who has gone mad...

it all started with a little white lie... an exaggeration... a little fabrication... my oldest "el" decided that we were "too strict," too overprotective... and she wanted to do whatever she wanted even if it meant she would have to lie to get it... and she got it alright... three weeks without mom or dad... three weeks without anyone to tell what to do... three weeks to do whatever she wanted... no one was going to be the boss of her...

three weeks...

in those same three weeks, i cried... i cried a lot... cried because i didn't know if she was safe... i couldn't eat because i wasn't sure if she had anything to eat that day... i couldn't sleep because i wasn't sure if she was cold... i racked my brain to try to remember if she had a jacket with her that morning that i saw her last... snake-dragon... he cried too.. and i've only ever seen him cry once before and that was when his grandpa passed away...

three weeks...

in the beginning i was hurt... the first couple of days i just couldn't imagine that we were that bad... i kept thinking "she goes to a private school, plays on the golf team, is going to EUROPE this summer"... how could it possibly be THAT bad?? we were beside ourselves trying to rationalize the situation... did we not give her enough? were we really at fault, too overprotective maybe? no, i don't think so... snake-dragon and i made a lot of mistakes when we were her age and we are always trying to steer her down the right path...

three weeks...

since the moment she was born i don't think i've ever been separated from the "el" for longer than seven hours... three weeks... i just checked... five hundred four hours... that's how long three weeks is... five hundred four hours... it felt like a lifetime... in those three weeks snake-dragon and i had a lot of serious conversations... i don't think we've ever talked that much in the last fifteen years... a lot of apologizing... a lot of agonizing... a lot of hurt, pouring out of a faucet that you just couldn't turn off...

three weeks later...

i realize that i am being tested... that "this is only a test"... that this is far from over... her return only signifies the battle ahead... and although the road is long and is sure to have a lot of bumps we'll have to work through them... i've thought about throwing up my hands and saying "i give up" but what does that teach the "el?" that it's okay to give up when it gets hard? no, that is not what i want her to learn.. i want her to know that life is hard.. sometimes in life you make the wrong choices and you don't get a do-over... you don't get to go back and erase your mistakes... you have to learn from them and move on... and be strong enough to know better the next time..